


The road to immortality is paved with bad intentions

by Lady_Rosa



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Breaking the Statute of Secrecy, Crack, Dudley and Voldemort have a business arrangement, Dudley is Merrick, Immortality, M/M, Voldemort has an alias too, Voldemort losing his temper, killing people but they don't stay dead, magical means of killing, making fun of Voldemort, tacky deep, tiny bit of flirting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:55:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25287169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Rosa/pseuds/Lady_Rosa
Summary: so Merrick from The Old Guard works together with Voldemort from the HP franchise to find immortality. Very cracky!
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 10
Kudos: 32





	The road to immortality is paved with bad intentions

**Author's Note:**

> so we were watching The Old Guard a few days back and we joked around when we found that Merrick was played by the same actor that played Dudley in the HP franchise. From a brainfart of AgrippaSpoleto to a bunny that wouldn't let me go until I wrote this down. AgrippaSpoleto also provided the title and the alias of Voldemort. Thanks darling! 
> 
> Enjoy and leave me feedback

Voldemort applied a glamour spell to hide his scaly skin as to not frighten the young muggle he was about to meet. The things he did for money and business, he sighed. He wouldn't meet the young man under his real name of course. There was no telling, if and what Potter had told his cousin about the war in the Wizarding World.

Potters cousin had done well for himself, after being in hiding for a few years, because of the war, like so many other relatives of half bloods and muggleborns. The order had protected Potters family and ensured that they could join the damn “Safe Muggle Relatives of Wizards and Witches” program where they were given new names, without any connection to there magical relatives so they could live their life again and without having to watch over their shoulder all the time. The department of Muggle liaison at the Ministry had handled the whole program and they had tried to hide the records in the depths of the Archives. But Voldemort had many followers and eventually he had found what he had needed. Dursley, now Merrick had used his fathers inheritance to make his business in world of pharmaceutics, medicines as well as beauty creams, making big money and he needed funds for the war. Almost all his followers were broke now as the war had been on for almost 15 years. In that time he had held and lost Hogwarts twice and the Ministry trice.

“Mr. Voltage; Mr. Merrick will see you now.” the secretary let him know. He took a moment to realise that he had introduced himself as his alias Mortimer Voltage, stood up and went to indicated door before entering. He had several different potions in his bag that he had guessed where useful for muggles: pain reliever, anti-acne, breath-easy, cure-all, as well as a bottle of wrinkles-be-gone.

The meeting went well, especially after he confirmed that Merrick as indeed Dursley, making the muggle pale and shaken; ah such a pleasure, but sadly the only one he could allow himself if he wanted to have the meeting go successful. Voldemort then introduced his alias as a philanthropist that wanted to help muggles but couldn't do it himself, because the law prohibited wizards selling potions to not-knowing muggles. As Merrick knew about the Wizarding World he could distribute and sell the potions legally. Not that Voldemort really cared about the law, he just had no motivation to supervise a laboratory or deal with muggles.

Merrick at first seemed wary of the potions but when they proved to be better than everything the muggle world could provide, he was hooked and they set up a meeting to hash out a business contract, which would divide their winnings 60:40. 60% of course for himself, as he had to produce the potions and salves or rather have his Death Eater do it.

Over the next years, they had a flourishing business and sometimes there even were challenges, like when Merrick asked if there was a potion against cancer, a disease almost unheard of by wizards and witches. He had his Death Eater develop one, it was in these two years that he had moments, he missed Snape, traitorous snake that he had been, but the man had been a genius with potions.

* * *

**Some years later:**

Andy groaned in pain, while the others looked helpless and furious. Booker wouldn't meet anyone's eyes. “I didn't know. I'm sorry.”, he said to all of them but none answered.

There was the sound of a small explosion outside, like the pop of a car tire or something harmless like that. Soon after Merrick entered the laboratory, where they were held in hospital beds. Behind him there was another man, he was very pale and had red eyes. Curious was also the fact that he was missing his nose; not like there had been an accident and there was an ugly scar instead of a nose but simply no nose, just two vertical slits in the middle of his face.

“This is my bussiness partner and researcher, Mr. Mortimer Voltage. His medicines are the ones, that heal people miraculously; that have made me rich. He wishes to talk to you. I have other business to attend to.”, with that, Merrick left them.

Voltage shushed the last doctor, researcher or whatever of the room and after she left, he turned to Andy.

“It is true then, that you possess immortality, madam. You are rumoured to be older than 4700 years old, oh goddess Andromache of Scythia. Or do you prefer Princess Andromache of Thebes?” Mr. No-Nose greeted her.

“You certainly did your research, kid. But I mostly go by Andy nowadays. How about some help with the restraints?” she asked the strange man before her bed. Voltage drew a wood stick about of one of his pockets.

“Oh, a wand user. I thought they had died out a few centuries back.”, Nicolo, or rather Nicky now, commented. They had a few run ins with some of them back in the day, both as allies and as enemies.

“As you can see, we still walk the earth; we just went into hiding from the muggle world in 1692 because the muggles became more and more dangerous and volatile. I would like your assistance. There is a war among my kind of people and I need to make sure I survive by all costs. Your kind of immortality seems perfect for my cause. Thus tell me, what is your secret?”

They looked at each other and Andy could see her thoughts mirrowed in Yusufs aka Joes and Nickys eyes, they all seemed to think, was that guy for real? She also shot Booker a look and he winked at her. They all have been together for so long they could communicate with glances and winks, which made his betrayal even worse.

“A healthy diet, none of this junkfood”, Booker started.

“Lots of fruits and veggis.”, Andy continued. “And no red meat.”

"Halal is best", came Joes comment.

“Be helpful to others and of course, let other help you to avoid undue stress.”, Nicky took up the line, and Joe followed up with a “No smoking”

“More laughing. Laughing is good for body and soul, or so I've heard.” Andy said.

“A good sex life” Joe stated.

“No men in your bed.” Andy countered.

“Only men in your bed. Or at least one.”, Nicky said with a loving look towards Joe. If he could he would take his husbands hand now and hold it but their beds were too far away.

„Enough! I demand to your secret”, Voltage interrupted their byplay angrily.

“Well, sonny, we don't know.”, replied Booker from his bed, which caused Mr. No Nose to cast something green at him with a word that sound like Hebrew or Aramaic for creating things, if Andy remembered correctly. Booker didn't move anymore and his monitor started beeping loudly.

He then threatened them: “Now, will you tell me or do I need to kill someone else?”, which caused them to laugh at him. Death would be a kindness at this point. At that point, Nile stormed the room, weapon drawn:”What's with the light show?”

She was greet by a grateful “You came back” from Andy and an explanation from Joe: “Wand user, he just killed Booker.”

Andy could see the confusion and curiosity in Niles eyes and her whole stance as she asked: “Wand? Like in a magic wand?”

“Yup.” Andy answered and Niles stance turned hostile. “Okay Mister, why did you kill him?”

At that moment, Booker came back, gasping for air. Mr. No Nose turned pale.

“Shit, is Potter one of you?” he asked with panic clear in his tone.

“Who?” Nicky asked. Was that Potter a wand user as well?

“Potter survived the killing curse like he did and more than once”, Voltage answered, still pale and Andy mused all that made him not flee was that fact, they all were restrained to their beds, leaving only Nile to free to fight.

When Nile moved towards them, with the clear intention to free them, Voltage stepped in her way. “Out of the way. I'm freeing them now.”

“Can't let you do that, Muggle girl.” he said and drew his wand, ready to curse her dead, but Nile with all her military training had faster reflexes, and pulled the trigger. They all heard some loud painful cursing and Voltage vanished with a bang. Then Nile freed them, while they heard shouting from other parts of the building. The shots must have been heard. They needed to get after the bastard Merrick, before the asshole got away and would hunt them again.

**Author's Note:**

> found a few typos and corrected them, hope you all enjoyed.


End file.
